it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
