one word: firstdatebathroomanal
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We just shotgunned beers for America
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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