my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
two words: eviction party
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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