please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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