i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
