Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
