I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
