Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I am midnight drunk by noon
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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