Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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