i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
