Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
