I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I AM VODKA MAN
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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