So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
