just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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