You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize