High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You need a sexual gate keeper
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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