Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
