My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
