Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
