a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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