I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you told grandpa to call you daddy
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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