My nipple is on Facebook.
Just cropdusted the office
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize