Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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