Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
