So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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