Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
one two three fourrrrnication!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
