He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Someone came in the potted fern
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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