She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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