Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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