i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
