I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
