Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
