I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
