If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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