You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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