at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
