If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
