me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
