i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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