dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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