I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
