So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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