Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
