I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize