and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
