my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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