i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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