Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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