love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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