so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
