It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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