Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what day is it and did you see me today?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
