I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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