Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
