GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
