I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
