Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
