I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
