please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This house was built for laser tag.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize