My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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