its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
